2nd January

I start back on Xenical. End of.

Ahh Crap

Not doing too great really, its coming up to Xmas, to be expected I guess. I start Xenical again on the 2nd of Jan, I need a few days to get the junk out of my system first before taking them.
I think I said it last year but this year IS the year for me and my weight loss, it has to be.

Apologies

Been slacking, badly....been busy recovering though so I have a pretty good excuse!
Starting to feel better in myself and the ear is recovering slowly but surely.
I went to see my GP last week and she had given me another prescription for the Xenical, so I now have 5 weeks worth to be getting on with.
I wont be starting it back up again till next week tho, as I am going to the BBC Good Food Show this week and will be snacking on naughty bits and pieces! *slap my hand*
Looking forward to losing the weight again tho, some people are saying i'm mad doing it before Xmas, Not really, I cant eat most of the "naughty" things people eat at Xmas anyway! Silly Allergies and Intolerances.

Goals Update

A Weekly goal of 300 minutes exercise minimum

Week 1 Achieved - 360 Minutes

Week 2 Achieved by Day 4 - 475 minutes

Week 3 Achieved - 300 Minutes

Week 4 Achieved - 320 minutes

Week 5 - Only 60 Minutes due to my Operation

Week 6 - 300 Minutes

Starting Weight 274.75 - 19 Stone 8 and 3/4

1st weigh in - 19 stone 3 - Loss of 5lb 3/4

2nd Weigh in - 19 stone 2 - loss of 1lb

3rd Weigh in - 19stone - Loss of 2lb

4th Weigh in (no Xenical and Operation) - 19 stone 3 and 3/4 Gain of 3.75

5th Weigh in -

Been off..

...the Xenical for a week now, and i am actually missing it. I dont miss the constant worry of farting and it following through tho, obviously.

Starting it back up again tommorow now that I have finished my antibiotics for Chest infection, still have the cough but I think its going away....not really sure actually...confusing.

Hubby is back to work on Wed after having 2 weeks off to look after me and our toddler. Not looking forward to him going back at all. But have to bear in mind its only a week and then has 3 days off for our wedding anniversary :)

Didnt weigh myself today, decided to do it tommorow seeing as im re-starting xenical tommorow. Have had under 500 cal pizza for dinner tonight with oven chips and mushy peas, didnt really enjoy the pizza much (have to take the cheese off for starters as i'm intollerant to it...)

1lb off....

I'm a bit disappointed if I'm honest. Was hoping for at least 2.
I exercised and ate healthily, I didn't do as much exercise as the week before so maybe that's what its all about?

On a positive note it has taken me to my first goal of 6lb off :) now onto the 2nd goal of a total of 12lb off.....

I'm a bit concerned about how this is going to work when I'm in recovery from my op. I will be living on Toast and Soup for a few days, is it worth taking the Xenical whilst eating so little? I'll be throwing up for a week, so they wont really be in my system either?
Also the not being able to exercise for 4 weeks is obviously going to have a negative effect.

I just don't understand why only 1lb, I'm off to look at MyFitnessPal page and see where I have gone wrong.

Goals Post....

A Weekly goal of 300 minutes exercise minimum

Week 1 Achieved (ending 3/10/2011) - 360 Minutes

Week 2 (ending 10/10/2011) Achieved by Day 4 - 475 minutes

Week 3 (ending 17/10/2011) Achieved - 300 Minutes

 

 

Weight Loss Goals

1st Weight Loss Goal - Lose 6lbs - Achieved!!!  - (17/10/2011)

2nd Weight Loss goal - Lose 12lbs -

Me & My Dad

I have been thinking about my Dad all day today, We dont speak to each other, his choice not mine. Pathetic reasons and even though there has been apologies (although I was never quite sure what exactly I was supposed to be apologising for) still no contact.
I saw him in May at a funeral, it was the first time he had met my Husband and my Daughter, he acknowledged them but didnt even say hello to me, just stared at me, shaking and looking petrified. That was not my Dad. He is stronger than that.
He looked ill. I'm actually really worried about him. I dont care that he isnt answering my texts or calls (ok well I do) I just care that he looked so "wrong" he didnt look healthy, he looked like a weak old man.

I sent him a message today telling him of my upcoming operation, I told him this ignoring had gone on long enough, and could he at least let me know if he wanted to hear from me, otherwise I wont bother in future. Ive sent him a message every Birthday, Xmas and Fathers Day for the past 4 years and not got a reply. I have his new number so it's not like he has changed it. Im just hurt that he doesnt even care enough about me to make sure that i'm ok about the Op,or even have the respect to send a message back to say "dont text me" at least then I wouldnt be in bloody limbo all the time.

When I last had this Operation I was ten, I had both my parents there for support, this time My Mum is dead, and My Dad doesnt care. It hurts. A lot.

Blinkies

I saw these on a forum today and decided to go in search of some of my own. Here are a few that made me chuckle!

Pre-Op Day

Today is Pre-op day, which means its just over 2 weeks until the actual operation. I thought I had managed to calm myself down about it and get myself under control as regards to the anxiety rearing its ugly head but obviously not. I'm sitting here actually shaking with fear.

My positivity from yesterday has disappeared and I badly need it back.

A Loss!! it's a Loss!!

Weigh in this morning, and I am super chuffed!!
Ive lost 5lbs and 3/4....YES!!

Starting Weight 274 and 3/4.
Weight after Week 1 is 269lbs
Nice glass of wine tonight and pub lunch with my friend to celebrate, will still have low fat tho :)

Still Positive

Still going along this week, eating less Fat and I do actually feel a lot better for it. The Xenical I hope are working, I have my first weigh in on Monday Morning.
Its time of the month at the moment, so my weight is fluctuating with that so I think I need to give it another week before I "know" if its working or not properly.

Off to a Spa Day tommorow, Really looking forward to it, some lovely massages with my lovely friend Lisa for company. Just a shame it time of the month really as it puts a bit of a dampner on things.
But hey thats what Tampons are for lol.

Doing Better….

 

Feeling a lot more positive today, after going to the gym yesterday and having a day of healthy eating, This morning I felt a lot more invigorated and confident in myself.

I have done 30 minutes on the Wii Fit and again had a low fat breakfast and lunch, for dinner tonight I have Salmon and Stuffed Peppers planned, so hopefully that will be nice.

Would like to get a good head start on things before my Operation, only 21 days to go  

I know for at least 3 weeks afterwards I will only be able to do gentle exercise so the healthy eating rule is very important to stick to, or I will undo the good work before then.

Not good

Not feeling great today, its weigh in day.
Ive not lost anything In fact Ive probably gained. (weigh in isn't until 12:30pm, an hour to go)
I had a good weekend exercise wise but not food wise.
Saturday we had breakfast at Debenhams in town, then Lunch we had a picnic with things bought from Tescos so unhealthy sandwiches, doughnut, crisps, fizzy juice and so on...then for dinner we had Chicken and oven Chips and we tried Linda McCartney Sausages and both had REALLY bad tummy's in the night afterwards, so no more veggie sausages for us.
Sunday I had a toasted teacake for breakfast, then lunch we went into town and got some freshly made sandwiches, a pastie and some crisps and went and had a picnic by the castle, so again not a fab meal. Dinner was Oven Chips and omelette's...(can you see a theme here, nothing fresh in till the shopping gets delivered tomorrow so its freezer food stuffs all the way! :( )

I feel crap for it, I feel rubbish because Ive ate rubbish.

My anxiety is also playing up, its gotten quite bad since I was told about the need for my ear operation, I think I may need to go and see the GP about it because at night especially its becoming unbearable. I cant sleep and if I do I have nightmares.

Food is my comfort blanket, it always has been, I don't want it to stay that way. Its been the one constant thing in my life that has always "been there" for me, Me and Junk Food are Best Friends.
I don't want to break up with it. If I'm honest I love it too much to leave it alone and walk away, But I have to, I have to be the selfish one in this relationship and do this for me.

I'm scared, Ive always been scared of most things, I'm not a wimp, I can stand up for myself when I need to but I'm afraid of Death, I'm afraid of Illness, I'm afraid of not seeing my Daughter grow up. I know all the time I am at this weight I am shortening my life span everyday. I have to do something, and I have to do that now.

Getting annoyed....

ARGH
Im getting annoyed at myself now.
My lack of Motivation and Self Respect is Zero.

WHY?!! You stupid woman.

Im SO frustrated with myself.. I never bloody learn.

Food Diary - Day 1

No Xenical today. Couldnt muster up the courage to try it.

Breakfast  - Scrambled egg with 2 pieces of brown toast with dairy free vitalite spread.
Lunch - turkey Sandwich with 2 pieces of brown bread
Dinner - Beef stir fry with sweet chilli sauce and wholegrain brown rice. 2 mini spring rolls from Tescos party range.

Snacks - 3 light rich tea biscuits, 1 cherry lips sweet.
Drinks - Water, Decaf Black Coffee.
Exercise - 40 min taking L to the playground and walking up the hills near our house.

Personalised Diet Plan Ideas

 Basically anything that is less than 5g of fat per 100g serving and less than 15g per meal. As ive been prescribed Xenical to try.

Breakfasts -
Scrambled Egg on Toast
Cereal with Oat Milk
Fruit Salad with Soya Yoghurt

Lunches -
Sandwiches
Salads
Jacket Potatoes
Soups

Dinners -
Brown Rice with Homemade Curry
Wholegrain Pasta with homemade Tomato Sauce
Salads
Stews/Casseroles
Salmon and New Potatoes with Vegetables
Roast Dinner



More to be added as I think of them……..

Decisions....

have been made.

Myself and hubby both sat down last night and agreed to eat less junk food and exercise more together as a family.
We arent going to do slimming world at the moment, mainly for the fact that we cant afford it.
So we are going to just eat healthier, not buy "naughty" foods, and make a food Diary of what we are eating each day to see where we might be going wrong even when trying to be good.
Later on we are all going to go for a long walk round the Estate and then take L to the swings for a bit, every little helps as they say....

Starting Weight - 19st 5lb and a half. BMI 41.24

starting AGAIN

So here i am again....Still fat...still hating my body....

Something MUST be done.

Im joining Slimming World again, I have to, I have no willpower with the others I give up after 20 odd days. Im not going to the groups tho, I cant drive and the evenings when Hubby could take me are no good because I have a toddler to get to bed at 7.

ive also joined http://www.minimins.com/ it looks like a really good support forum for all types of diets.

Will post a starting photo later...also have to weigh myself...dum dum duuuuum.

Gym Trip No.2

So this week so far I've been to the gym twice. Tuesday was cut short slightly and today again but for different reasons. Today I was very nearly sick over the exercise bike and the woman on the one next to me. I got too hot, too dehydrated and didn't eat enough for the energy before I went. Silly Silly Me, won't be doing that again!

I'm self concious of the tops of my arms (bingo wings) so usually keep my hoody jacket on over my gym top or tshirt, which makes me even hotter than normal and sweat buckets but I'm a stubbon old saggy mule who won't bare all (or show bare arms in this case) I'm so daft, I'm not the only fat girl at the gym but I still get self concious about things.

Do still enjoy going tho which is the main thing.
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Feeling Thinner

So the scales may not be my best friends BUT I am feeling thinner? The Mirror certainly agrees with me slightly (plus we have dodgy floorboards so can never rely on the scales at home anyway!) I'm thinking of weighing myself every week at the gym instead, maybe then i can get a more accurate reading.

Ive had a pretty good weekend, we did have a Burger King for lunch yesterday so not the best and I have had quite a few glasses of wine in total this weekend (about 7 in total i think....oops) but apart from that its been pretty good :)

Back to the gym tomorrow after having a week off, I have been doing my Zumba though and getting out and about for exercise instead, so I haven't exactly been sat on my arse all week.

I'm thinking of starting up Paul Mckenna again, I have a 90 day journal sitting here empty but I wont start it until i KNOW that i have the spare time to do it properly, I tried last time and failed miserably because i didn't put the effort into it, now my little girl is a bit bigger I can concentrate on my meals a bit more.

GAP

I am so super chuffed today, I bought a hoody from the womens section, an XL. Not XXL or XXXL, just the one X :)

Its Little things like this that make me want to keep going, that make me want to keep trying with the gym and with zumba at home and with the healthier eating.

Little achievements make the big goals seem more possible.

A Little faith in yourself goes a long way.
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Get In!

The 22 Jeans!!!!

(Ignore the boards on the floor, a floorboard just went under the carpet so they are there so we don't keep standing on it and go through to downstairs...)
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22!!

OMG!! I am SUPER Thrilled this morning, I've got back into size 22 jeans!!! I found a pair I'd kept in wardrobe in vague hope I might fit into again one day, so when I was doing a clear out last night and I thought "why not, I'll give them a go" put them on, buttoned them up AND breathed out! Ta Da!! That's 28 crossed off, 26 crossed off, 24 crossed off....I reckon it was that 5k Race that did it ;)

So to celebrate I'm wearing them for our trip up to the NEC. I won tickets for the BBC Good Food Show via a competition on the Facebook Masterchef page. I'm off to cooking school first then for a wander round the exhibition. I Love my cooking, I always try to cook from scratch as most jars and packet mixes have things in I can't have.

Last night I made Spicy Sausage, Spinach and Bean Hotpot from scratch and it was lovely even if I do say so myself. I felt really good eating it as I knew it was healthy and I'd made it myself.

I'm sure I will snack on bits and pieces today that I shouldn't do on the 3 hour drive there and back and also at the exhibition stands of the things I can eat.

I get to go to the Cooking School at with Dhruv Baker today, he was the winner of Masterchef UK in 2010. He amazes me with his cooking skills and use of spices.
I could never go on Masterchef, I'm too much of a "home" cook, I like my pasta bakes, stews, casseroles, currys and chilli's too much to start cooking quail eggs and quince!

Bit of a rambling post today, so apologies to those who gave up half way and congratulations to those who made it to the end :)
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Food Diary

So far today I have eaten -

Breakfast - Melon
Lunch - Beans on Toast
Dinner - Beef Mince Taco's with Dips

Drinks - decaf black coffee, caffeine free coke and a carlsberg.

Not really planning on any pudding but may have a scone later whilst watching Comedy Gala.

Not the best of days food and drink wise, need to have some water for the rest of evening no more fizzy or alcoholic drinks.
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Race For Life

Also forgot to mention it is my Race for Life event this weekend!
Bring on the 5k!!
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Gym Upgrade

So on Tuesday I went for my PT session and had my Program Upgraded, basically meaning it now hurts a lot more and i'm more out of breath!
I've added more weights training, some different cardio and some extra squats and stretches at the end. I need to get myself one of those big gym balls so I can practise some bits at home, last thing I want to do is fall flat on my arse in the gym in front of everyone.

I have also bought the Zumba game for the Wii, and have been doing 20 minute sessions everyday whilst baby is having a nap. I have just put her down for a nap and put my sweats on, but she doesnt seem to want to go to sleep.....great.
But on the plus side it is really good fun, its energetic, it gets your heart rate up, it gets you feeling slightly out of breath which is good for you and shows its working.

I still really need to sort my eating out, for breakfast this morning I had some melon...thats it. I didnt have time to "make" anything and convenience foods contain loads of sugar, fat and a long list of things that I am Intolerant or allergic to.

I found my original a4 piece of paper yesterday from the homeopathic allergy test I took 3 years ago, I'd forgotten exactly how in depth it had gone! Apparently I am allergic to Eel, I've never even tasted it! I do need to book in a new appointment to ee if any have changed now that I've spent 3 years cutting a lot of things out and refraining from nice things e.g Chocolate, Cake, Cheese, Milk, Yoghurt, Pork, Bacon, Mustard, Citrus Fruits....and so on. 

Tired.

Its been a long week and a very emotional one at that.
I feel physically and mentally drained, my head is a complete mess right now.

I feel hurt, I feel joy at seeing my family again, I feel pity for my Father, I feel sadness for the loss of an Uncle, I feel annoyed at peoples attitudes towards me, I feel depressed, I feel stressed but most of all I feel tired.
Im not sleeping properly, i'm not eating properly, i'm missing meals and not drinking enough water, i'm going back to the gym and exercising but i'm not giving my body the fuel it needs to do it.
Im sinking back down into the PND again and I hate it, I hate the fact I cant do anything about it, I feel so useless against it, it wins everytime.

ZUMBA

Omg I Love it. Its the most fun I've had exercising in a long time, its friggin hilarious. Especially when you see the 50 year olds taking it VERY seriously, proper gettin their wiggle on!
Been 2 weeks in a row now and already looking forward to next week, I'm wondering wether or not to get the game for the Wii.

Gym is going ok, hadn't been for a week due to Zumba instead last wednesday then getting ready for camping then going camping and then coming home and needing a day of rest! So I went today and I must be honest in that I didn't enjoy it half as much today and it hurt a hell of a lot more, probably because my muscles have had time to stiffen up, so I need to get back into it every other day or so again. My plan is to go again on Tuesday then Zumba on wednesday then gym on Friday just while the bank holidays are on then it will be back to mon, wed, fri.

I need to sort my eating out too, its a bit of a mess, not eating breakfast when I should and craving junk food and when I eat it really not enjoying it so kicking myself for eating it!

Hope everyone enjoys their plans for the weekend and Happy Royal Wedding Day! :) xx
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The Gym

I always thought I would be afraid of the gym, full of thin, lean and toned sweaty bodies and that I'd never be one of those Gym Swots. Yet today I found myself getting annoyed at some little teenyboppers who were just farting about on the equipment when people were obviously waiting to use it.
I found it rude that they had no respect for people who actually had a need or want to be there.

The first time I went I was so self conscious and yet the more I go the less I seem to care what other people think of me, when my face is beetroot red, I'm dripping with sweat and I'm running so fast I'm in danger of my boobs knocking me out, I don't give a damn. I'm not there to impress anyone, I'm there for me, if people see a fat lump o lard then that's their problem, I'm much more than the rolls of flab people see.
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Me

So here I am, a mother at the age of 25 yet I still feel 20? I missed out on a lot of my youth, I grew up a lot faster than my peers that sometimes I like to regress a little, I like to be immature and say silly words like "poo poo head" just because I can and because there is no rule against it.

This is me, take me as I am or not at all, I won't change for you, only for me.

Which is what I'm about to do, I'm just starting of my journey of change, change for the better.

I've always been "chubby" I had "puppy fat" when I was younger, then it thinned out a bit as I grew taller, then my mum died when I was 16 years of age and I turned to food for the comfort and reassurance that I didn't receive from my family or friends. I piled on the weight, I was a size 18/20 throughout my late teens, I was a size 22 by the time I'd got over my ex fiance dumping me the night before our wedding, I was a size 22 when I met my Husband and went up to a 28 when pregnant.

I'm now a size 24, I want to be a size 16, I don't want to be stick thin, it wouldn't suit me, I like my curves just not the rolls of flab that goes with them.

I've never had much self confidence, I hide behind sarcasm and humour. So called "friends" have in the past taken advantage of my lack of self esteem, they used it to their advantage, a put down in front of a crowd or a chant of "who ate all the pies" made their popularity soar and what little of acknowledgement I received disappear and never return.

I hide behind the flab, I use it as my excuse in life not to do things, and I don't want to be like that anymore. I have a beautiful daughter who deserves the best her Mummy can give her and whilst I'm puffing along trying to keep up with her toddling round the room at 50mph, I curse the weight for making me feel like less of a parent, less of a wife, less of a woman even tho there is a hell of a lot more of me than there should be.

I have a gym membership which I plan to use at least 3 times a week and the days I don't go I will go for a walk or do an exercise dvd or use the wii fit, I'm not going to be a slob.

I have a long list of food intollerances which can make "dieting" pretty hard, I can't have dairy so I have soya or dairy alternative products which have obscene amounts of sugar in them to make up for lack of taste. I've tried Slimming World, I've tried Weight Watchers, I've tried the Cabbage Soup diet and as soon as I've stopped its all gone straight back on. So that's it, no more dieting.

Just plain old simple exercise, smaller portions and eating less junk.

I'll try and keep this updated, I'm pretty useless with Blogs, I start one then forget the password or just never remember to log on.

To all those who are there and offer support, Thank You.
To those who shout "Fatty" across the street or snigger and turn up their nose when I walk into Topshop, in the words of CeLo Green's explicit version "Forget You"
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My New Be'thinning

So on the 5th of April 2011 I joined a Gym.
For the first time in my life I have made a positive decision to be active.